The infamous Sweetie Drawer

Who has a chocolate drawer? A crisps cupboard, a sweetie box? Come on, admit it. I know it's more common than I want to believe. I've came across a few of these said treat chests. I've also uttered profanities under my breath.

 Today I am going to give you my views on them  I am giving you prior warning here, if you have one of these little stashes, I am blunt, I can be rude, but more is the point. I tell it like it is.

I have the experience to know that most people dislike something about themselves, this is not something to be celebrated, it's actually a shame because it's a personal dislike, encouraged by the media and doesn't represent anything real or achievable. Nobody is perfect in my opinion. So unless your body fat content is within an unhealthy range, bringing with it a whole host of medical conditions, such as heart disease, type two diabetes and erm, muffin tops, then you really have nothing to worry about.

So why do people have these stashes, surely it is the ultimate saboteur. Sitting there waiting for your weakest moments. Late afternoon sugar slump or post evening meal craving. How much more difficult is it to resist that fatty, sugary piece of chocolate. When a pile of it is sitting in your fridge. What chance do you have.

I get that having sweets and snacks in your house is useful, especially when you have guests. But I have to ask you one simple thing. Why not have a healthy snack cupboard, oatcakes, peanut butter, nuts, seeds. No? Not up your street? Oh I'm guessing neither is that dress in your cupboard that you are keeping for when you lose a few pounds.

The other downfall that comes with the sweetie cupboard is when you do decide to make a change. Such as when you decide that the diet starts on Monday. What happens to all that junk food. Oh I get it, it doesn't get binned. It gets scoffed. Usually in one sitting on the Sunday night, when you have your big juicy greasy takeaway and finish it off with a bag of malteasers, a crunchie, snickers, bag of kettle chips and some starburst. It's a shame the diet only lasts until Monday afternoon, then you fill your cupboard again and vow to start the diet on Monday. Again.

It evades me. It really does. Do people accept that they are obese and then just go on accepting everything that comes with it? This sweetie cupboard for me signifies the end of the line, you've given up on yourself, on your partner, your children. After all, it's them who will suffer when they have to give you a sponge bath between your huge folds of fat. Rubbing sudocreme on your bedsores, or worrying incessantly when you get out of breath after walking up two flights of steps.

A sweetie cupboard is the devil. Have some self respect. If you feel like chocolate or crisps, I mean really really feel like them. Then make the visit to a shop specifically for them. By the time you have to do that you may just decide that the travel isn't worth it. Your health and your waistline will thank you for it.

Oh and the ironic thing is...... The drawer you use in your fridge for your snacks, is most probably for fruit and veg.

Just plain ole nasty

Iraz the Turkish waiter

When did the world become so rude? It now seems positively acceptable for people to be rude. The girl on the returns desk at a high street store, like as if I wanted the silk to tear like that, causing embarrassment in a sensitive moment. It's the norm, I've came to expect just as I would the cheek of the Turkish waiters as they flirt with your other half or how when at the end of a concert its one big push to leave. But it should be easy to be nice, however the gym is no exception to the rude rigmarole. The tirade of rudeness extends even there. As it turns out my gym card doesn't work properly so I can't swipe in to gain access to the utopia that is my local gymnasium. Meaning I have to trouble myself each time I go with the irksome task of going to the front desk and asking to go to the gym.

As sure as oeufs is oeufs the receptionist glowers at me as I stride gayley en route to the desk as if I have a cheek to disturb her conversation with the handyman. It's near enough always the same receptionist yet she does the same tedious sequence each time. Takes the card, swipes it, talks some more to handyman bob, looks back at the screen and "tut". She TUTS, at me, with my large smile and friendly air she feels the need to darken my day with a TUT! Every time......because you see, I have a hall booking on my membership which flags upon her screen, she explains. This is why I can't swipe in. I know this, this happens every freaking time I go and has been happening for the last two months yet here she is explaining it in her monotonous agitated voice, Again. Eventually after some explaining she says "I'll let you in but I'll have to speak to someone regarding this". She never does, I know this and so does she. Meaning each time I want to train I have to go through this annoying sequence of events again and again.

Once in the changing room it's no different though. I usually go for the same locker because I can't be bothered wearing a stupid plastic strap around my wrist, you see guys trying to rock this look and inevitably failing. So I choose the locker with just the key which is so much cooler. Unfortunately for me and of course the girl who chose the locker below mine, my locker is somewhat high. I like it, It saves me from leaving things which is a habit of mine. However for low locker girl, it's a tad bothersome that I am at my locker getting things in and out when she wants to be in her locker getting things in and out. Apart from the obvious drawbacks, my crotchal region would be in her face if she bent down, A fan as I am to going butt naked in the changing room. This could prove dangerous say someone walks in and thinks we are performing a sex act, we could be locked up, the key thrown away. Our names in the papers, publicly humiliated. I don't suppose she could just wait maybe? But no she doesn't she attempts an elasta girl move with her right arm, crouching face away from me against the lockers. Why can't she just say excuse me???? Really is it so hard? So here I am minding my own business, head in my locker as I feel something touch my left leg. "Oh" I say, "would you like me to let you in?", "Aye, could you" she says. I was slightly taken aback by her tone, I'd hoped for a genteel, "yes please" (Yes ok maybe her education is somewhat lacking) so I say, "Only be a second" and have a rummage in my bag, stopping every few seconds to sigh and say, "hmmm, where is it". I do this until I know she is seconds away from chibbing me, I get quite scared, I move back. But inside I am absolutely reeling, I can't get over how rude people can be and not realise it. I see no need, I see no benefits from it, I wish I was mental enough to rugby tackle her and explain in a polite manner that she should learn some manners. Smile for goodness gracious, say hello, be polite, especially if you're paid to be. Why pay forward your own bad mood, it's particularly selfish. But it's the fashion babayyy, it's the trend these days. Being obnoxiously rude is de rigueur and we wouldn't not want to follow a trend now......

Mobile nuisance

A new evil has came to my attention at the gym recently, something that really gets up my nose. Mobile phones........ Now, I don't mind so much if you use them to listen to music because let's be honest, I couldn't do 5 minutes on the treadmill without some Cliff Richard, Elton John and co. I do however use an MP3 player because I'm old school.
  No what annoys me is people who take calls, or text or facebook whilst "doing a workout". Only the other day I was running on my favourite treadmill scoping out the talent, I mean.... Looking for material for this blog when, JACKPOT two girls come into the gym, early 20's make up on, wouldn't know a dumbbell from a cheeseburger. They slowly doddle to the water fountain and have a ickle chat, then they take on the mahooosive task that is the x-trainer. I watch, as yet no such juice. But I am not to be disappointed because the slightly lazier looking of the two takes a phone call, I run, patiently watching, as I expect her to have a quick word "No, I'm in the gym, call you back" but noooooooo the wee phone using pleb gets off the x-trainer and stands next to it. She continues her phone call for the next 46 minutes, firstly standing next to the x-trainer and then following her pal around the gym as she used the machines. WHY? Why, Why couldn't she just step outside the gym? Also if I was her pal I'd have been raging and embarrassed by her ridiculous antics.

Then there's the guy I see in the gym a lot, he nods to me sometimes, recognising we have a shared interest, we work out, we train often and we train hard, not like the come and goers. It's like when you ride a motorcycle and nod to other motorcycles (whilst also checking out if yours is better) I had some respect for this guy, he never struck me as anything other than a regular normal gym goer, but is there any such thing? I was walking around the gym to my next set when boooof, I am body checked by a vest wearing sweaty man, sweat going everywhere onto my nice pink gym gear. I'm genuinely taken by surprise when I look up and it's regular gym goer man, but..... with and extension to his arm in the form of a mobile phone. He had been too busy texting as he stepped back from a machine into my path. He completed his text message and hit send. Before I got a small apology. Me the idiot apologised too, then harshly scolded myself for it, why do we do that? I must bee too nice. So all respect out the window for you texter dude.

Worst of all my mobile phone/gym hates is the Facebooker, I am in all honesty a facebook fanatic but seeing as my phone shall remain in the gym locker I do not post whilst actually in the gym. Sitting on the bike the other day I happened to glance (no I wasn't being nosey) at the boy beside me on his phone, I could see what he was writing, "Tearing up the gym, here comes the pain train baby toot toot", I am not making this sh*t up. The boy was about 9.5 stone, I could bench press him. He was on the recumbent cycle at level 3!!! I laughed, out loud, then pretended to point at something on the tv screen. It really cheered me up that this little reject of a boy would actually look like a beast after writing that as his status. Like he actually did some work as opposed to writing about it. I was expecting him to jump off that bike and hulk stylee rip the gym to peices, hurling equipment everywhere. Unfortunatley he just got off the bike after 5 mins and left. Geez a break man!

Freaking Freezing

This is wrong!

Brrrrrrrr, it's cold out there. It's like the weather has changed overnight. Yesterday it wasn't even jumper season, Today....... it's jumper season. I'll say for one thing, it isn't half hard to drag your carcass out from a warm cozy 13.5 tog duvet for a workout session. This is the time when you need it most. Our body craves the carbohydrates at this time of year and it loves the fact that "not a bare leg in sight" is the order of the day, thick socks, tights and boots. No need to slap on the fake tan or shave your legs It stocks up for the winter so to speak, slowly and sneakily adding a few millimeters to our body fat, just to tide us over to the spring, a modern form of hibernation if you like.
  RUBBISH! You do not have to succumb to the Nazi regime, get out that winter slump and get a grip. Who's in charge here? Are you gonna give in? Yeah fair enough your skin may not see the light of day until at least April, the sexiest piece of clothing your poor other half may see you in is a snuggie (monstrosity of an invention). But come on! You have Christmas nights out to go do, dresses to wear. You also will have a harder job to work off the layers of adipose in the spring.
On a more dreaded note; There is a monster in us ladies, at least 85% of us, and the circumstances that this Monster thrives on is layer upon layer of clothing hiding it's existence, cosy nights in front of the TV with a glass of wine, Caffeine, fatty foods, Christmas puds,  not enough water..... It's called Cellulite, Orange peel, Cottage cheese, mattress phenomenon.... even pot hole ass? So right there is your biggest most defining reason to get a grip this winter and don't be a sap. Honestly when I go onto a certain social networking sit and see " Aw it's cold", "Aw the weather is crap", "Aw it's Monday", "Gonna have a duvet day" I am sickened by the wimpishness of people. Toughen up for peat's sake. Grow a freaking pair.
 It's hilarious the excuses people make up to get out of training at this time of year. I had one person texting me to cancel a training session because their heating had packed in and the house would be cold. Seriously not gonna happen. "I'm pretty sure you will be glad you have no heating when we start training" was my reply, and do you know what? She was.
  Not one to go on about something though, but what is it about people complaining of the cold, dark dreary mornings? I'm sick to the back teeth of how easily defeated people are. It's the exact same thing as people complaining that the air conditioning in the gym has packed in and it's too warm and they're too sweaty. Fair one we pay a membership for the maintenance of the gym but remember.........It's a gym, you are there to sweat, to smell, to be warm and to burn calories. That's the whole point. It just saves wearing a bin bag under your gym gear to get inch loss on your stomach (only ex football players or referees ever do this, it's hilariously pointless as you rustle about the gym).
  I realise I am beginning to go off on one. So until next time.............

Once a soldier.......

Ex military types in the gym. These are the guys that can’t come away from the utilitarian regimes, the tough training, military lifestyle and dealing with insurgents. God forbid I get something wrong here I get personally assassinated for my cheek.

Easy to spot, they always have a marker of some sort, from a simple T-shirt with their regiment on it or a tattoo. Usually well kept hair and clothing (it’s in the training). These guys have love on their side. Being in the Army, Navy, RAF, Marines etc has changed them or moulded them, it‘s who they are….to the bone. Civvy street doesn’t cut it, it doesn’t have the same excitement, the orderly discipline, the respect that they are used to. A friend said to me recently “I miss it every single day, I would do anything to be back there, if it wasn’t for my family” oh yeah, he also mentioned that “I hate Civvys” to which I just laughed because I can understand, I am one. Some Civvys just appear as tree hugging, non discriminating, equal opportunities, love thy neighbour, don’t slate or slag, can’t take a joke annoying Ned Flanders types so really, I can’t see what is so annoying……. ;-). There is no way on earth I could comprehend what our soldiers have done, saw, experienced but I can observe them in my natural habitat, the all revealing gym. Those little tells that just keep on telling long after they have decided to leave.

I know a few soldiers, I will call them soldiers because really…..Once a soldier always a soldier, still with that wee stomp when they stand up, the salute, the terminology, sense of humour, the spray starched clothing and the immaculately shined shoes, its all still there. They have a way of looking at you that you just know they disapprove of your naive civilian lifestyle.

Our ex military guys have to train, I mean really train. Like an ingrained microchip that is programmed for routine, for schedule, for something accountable and systematic. It keeps them going for instance when they get a job on civvy street and get told what to do by a spotty teenager. The treadmill just doesn’t cut it. Add a day pack with 20kg in it and we have a happy guy, well at least a grumpy happy guy. 5km Outdoor run? Ha haaa they laugh even at the suggestion, 30mile yomps with another 20kg on their back and possibly even in boots seems to do the trick. Press ups? Give us a break. Add 20kg and do them on one leg with the knee of the other foot coming up to their chin, even that isn’t as much of a thrashing as they are used to. See a pattern. Even if they haven’t exercised for a good while there is no such thing as starting easy. It’s not what they are made of. I love it.

Sure though this training is pointless unless there is reason to do it. Will they rejoin? Is there some challenge coming up that requires them to train in this unbelievably insane manner? I don’t know, but if they are doing 30mile yomps just because….. then they seriously need to find a hobby. It’s no good doing your back in running 30miles with a weighted back pack because your bored. For a start you’ll be crippled by the time your 38 and have a scabby back and you will need to continuously up the intensity as that boredom returns. I care….. I really do. Don’t waste good health doing frivolous exercise sessions. Be productive. Run for charity, take up an extreme sport. Take my brother in-law for instance. Currently serving in Afghanistan this guy does not know the meaning of fear. Keen snowboarder when he is home he will literally try anything. I’ve seen him throw himself at crazy ass 8ft high snow park features (after only a month and a half of starting snowboarding) and come flying into the air only to land on his ass on solid metal, get up, brush himself off, and say “Did you see how cool that was”. He eats, sleeps and breathes his title of Royal Marine Commando and do you know what….We love him all the more for it. May he return safe. So there you go, throwing yourself off mountains aught to do it, give you that buzz that you so crave. It sure works for Graeme.

I have nothing but respect for the guys that offered up their lives, their families, everything, for us to be able to lead our normal day to day existence just as we have done for years and will do for years to come. But hey…. What do I know. I’m just a Civvy.

McManus and French

Recently whilst in the gym a very severe issue has came to my attention. Actually it has been annoying me for years but I'm just now going to get it out there. Correct me if I'm wrong but isn't the gym somewhere people go to do physical activity? Well why do these so called exercisers insist on parking so close to the gym entrance they have to climb out the passenger door. Honestly though, it happens everywhere. I used to work in a really top notch private health club chain. Out front of the club there was a circular drive for hotel drop offs, with a lovely little fountain. You would see Jags, Porches, top of the range Mercedes parked half on the kerb squashed at the front of the club. There was a whole car park quite literally 10 yards away but of course that's not good enough. Perhaps the gym should employ staff to come over to these cars with wheelchairs and push people into the club too. In the gym the other day I was on the treadmill minding my own business as usual when I saw a big family saloon car drive up and into a disabled space. Obviously as I always think the best in people :-/ never in a million years did I expect a fully ambulant legging clad elephant leg to step out from the car. I peered and peered but yet no motability badge appeared on that window. She hung about a bit, had a cigarette, you know just to open up the lungs for a workout and then her friend turned up.

Down the car park drives a people carrier as it screeches diagonally into the disabled space next to our legging clad smoker. Out jumps her equally sizable and legging clad buddy, bear hug ensues (really I can only describe it as a bear hug). But she has done one better. She is wearing the most illuminous lime green trainers. The type of trainers only a really good runner should wear. I was thinking to myself that I better get off the treadmill before they get in just in case they show me up for the phony runner that I am.

What annoys me about this picture is not that they have parked in the disabled spaces (well yeah it is this act is unacceptable) but that they have parked in the two closest disabled spaces to the entrance which means anyone who genuinely needs that space cannot use it. They didn't have badges before you say it. The Sherlock Holmes in me checked this. So unless sever inability to dress appropriately for your size can get you disability now then they bottom out right there and then.

Now here comes the ironic park. McManus and French came into the gym and went straight onto the treadmill. So the duo couldn't walk the length of the car park but come to the gym to walk on a mechanical moving pavement. It just tickled me slightly. Here is the best bit. To my disappointment French was not, I repeat not an common wealth runner in her citrus colours shoes. In fact she was so bad at walking on a treadmill that every time she wanted to talk to her big pal Michelle she actually paused the treadmill. And on that bombshell..............

Kick Ass Chicks

Hollywood in my opinion has got it right. I'm a big movie buff. I love a good film. My favourite movies say a lot about who I am, who I want to be and where I want to go. I like Action films where there is explosions and fighting with swords and guns. I like strong characters and I'm not talking complex, I'm talking BUFF. Women to inspire and invoke. You know the kind I'm talking about. The tough chicks, The Angelina Jolie in Tombraider, an ambidextrous gun wielding female Indiana Jones. Mila Jovovich, Running down the sides of buildings or jumping motorcycles through plate-glass windows, all run-of-the-mill occurrences for miss Jovovich, even if we can't pronounce her name. Hilary Swank in Million Dollar Baby, Michele Rodriguez in all her bad ass films.
    These girls have bodies to die for. Hard and wirey. Muscles, what's not to love. Noooooo....... Not the overbearingly obvious "I've just ate a tub of Anabol" type muscles teamed with a strong jaw and adams apple. The feminine honed "I work out 5 times a week and care what goes into my body" type of look. It's not just the look that I like it's the hard super cool character. It's Uma Thurman on a rampaging killing spree with a Hattori Hanzo samurai sword?. Or is there anything more impressive than Devon Aoki in Sin City, a double-sworded teenage hooker who takes no guff from men, and if you cross her or her coworkers, well....... you're pretty much finished. The girls in Charlies Angels who can really throw a punch yet still be extremely sexy at the same time. Ok, ok , ok maybe this look isn't wholly achievable but to an extent it can be., maybe just a little bit. There is no need for a female to lose her femininity just because she is tough. She can still giggle, squeal and skip, she can wear pink fluffy slippers and silk pjs. Doors can be opened for her, seats pulled out. Just because she can push a weight doesn't mean she has to help you lift a washing machine up 2 flights of stairs, serious. As I've said before I'm no feminist. Chivalry should be encouraged.

   One of the best physiques I have ever seen has got to be Jessica Biel in Blade. She looks strong and toned yet still womanly, she has that nipped in waist , flat stomach and round high bum. Most people will disagree with me here and say she is wayyyyyy to muscley but I beg to differ. Every female has those muscles under the adipose on their arms, Jessica's arm circumference here is probably only about 8.5 inches when relaxed which is a lot less than most females and even mine at 10.5. This looks awesome with a tan and in a dress. Actually it pretty much looks awesome full stop.

The following quote I found in a forum from a "Know it All" explains how little people know about weight training. She was on a rant about another woman she saw in the gym. Here is what she said: "I made a promise to myself - do not work on my arms much. and my advice to all those girls who are ready for anything when it comes to getting a toned body is the same". Tell you what, I'd like to have a personal word with this idiot of a woman, give her a good feminine slap of reality. Not in any way possible can you get arms like Jessica Biel's or Madonnas for that matter if you have more that 16% body fat. Weight training is Not gonna do this. Diet may. As I have said before their arms are not big, there is merely a lack of fat. Let me leave you with one question and don't be afraid to give your opinion, in fact I invite it. Would you rather have bingo wings?