Once a soldier.......

Ex military types in the gym. These are the guys that can’t come away from the utilitarian regimes, the tough training, military lifestyle and dealing with insurgents. God forbid I get something wrong here I get personally assassinated for my cheek.

Easy to spot, they always have a marker of some sort, from a simple T-shirt with their regiment on it or a tattoo. Usually well kept hair and clothing (it’s in the training). These guys have love on their side. Being in the Army, Navy, RAF, Marines etc has changed them or moulded them, it‘s who they are….to the bone. Civvy street doesn’t cut it, it doesn’t have the same excitement, the orderly discipline, the respect that they are used to. A friend said to me recently “I miss it every single day, I would do anything to be back there, if it wasn’t for my family” oh yeah, he also mentioned that “I hate Civvys” to which I just laughed because I can understand, I am one. Some Civvys just appear as tree hugging, non discriminating, equal opportunities, love thy neighbour, don’t slate or slag, can’t take a joke annoying Ned Flanders types so really, I can’t see what is so annoying……. ;-). There is no way on earth I could comprehend what our soldiers have done, saw, experienced but I can observe them in my natural habitat, the all revealing gym. Those little tells that just keep on telling long after they have decided to leave.

I know a few soldiers, I will call them soldiers because really…..Once a soldier always a soldier, still with that wee stomp when they stand up, the salute, the terminology, sense of humour, the spray starched clothing and the immaculately shined shoes, its all still there. They have a way of looking at you that you just know they disapprove of your naive civilian lifestyle.

Our ex military guys have to train, I mean really train. Like an ingrained microchip that is programmed for routine, for schedule, for something accountable and systematic. It keeps them going for instance when they get a job on civvy street and get told what to do by a spotty teenager. The treadmill just doesn’t cut it. Add a day pack with 20kg in it and we have a happy guy, well at least a grumpy happy guy. 5km Outdoor run? Ha haaa they laugh even at the suggestion, 30mile yomps with another 20kg on their back and possibly even in boots seems to do the trick. Press ups? Give us a break. Add 20kg and do them on one leg with the knee of the other foot coming up to their chin, even that isn’t as much of a thrashing as they are used to. See a pattern. Even if they haven’t exercised for a good while there is no such thing as starting easy. It’s not what they are made of. I love it.

Sure though this training is pointless unless there is reason to do it. Will they rejoin? Is there some challenge coming up that requires them to train in this unbelievably insane manner? I don’t know, but if they are doing 30mile yomps just because….. then they seriously need to find a hobby. It’s no good doing your back in running 30miles with a weighted back pack because your bored. For a start you’ll be crippled by the time your 38 and have a scabby back and you will need to continuously up the intensity as that boredom returns. I care….. I really do. Don’t waste good health doing frivolous exercise sessions. Be productive. Run for charity, take up an extreme sport. Take my brother in-law for instance. Currently serving in Afghanistan this guy does not know the meaning of fear. Keen snowboarder when he is home he will literally try anything. I’ve seen him throw himself at crazy ass 8ft high snow park features (after only a month and a half of starting snowboarding) and come flying into the air only to land on his ass on solid metal, get up, brush himself off, and say “Did you see how cool that was”. He eats, sleeps and breathes his title of Royal Marine Commando and do you know what….We love him all the more for it. May he return safe. So there you go, throwing yourself off mountains aught to do it, give you that buzz that you so crave. It sure works for Graeme.

I have nothing but respect for the guys that offered up their lives, their families, everything, for us to be able to lead our normal day to day existence just as we have done for years and will do for years to come. But hey…. What do I know. I’m just a Civvy.

McManus and French

Recently whilst in the gym a very severe issue has came to my attention. Actually it has been annoying me for years but I'm just now going to get it out there. Correct me if I'm wrong but isn't the gym somewhere people go to do physical activity? Well why do these so called exercisers insist on parking so close to the gym entrance they have to climb out the passenger door. Honestly though, it happens everywhere. I used to work in a really top notch private health club chain. Out front of the club there was a circular drive for hotel drop offs, with a lovely little fountain. You would see Jags, Porches, top of the range Mercedes parked half on the kerb squashed at the front of the club. There was a whole car park quite literally 10 yards away but of course that's not good enough. Perhaps the gym should employ staff to come over to these cars with wheelchairs and push people into the club too. In the gym the other day I was on the treadmill minding my own business as usual when I saw a big family saloon car drive up and into a disabled space. Obviously as I always think the best in people :-/ never in a million years did I expect a fully ambulant legging clad elephant leg to step out from the car. I peered and peered but yet no motability badge appeared on that window. She hung about a bit, had a cigarette, you know just to open up the lungs for a workout and then her friend turned up.

Down the car park drives a people carrier as it screeches diagonally into the disabled space next to our legging clad smoker. Out jumps her equally sizable and legging clad buddy, bear hug ensues (really I can only describe it as a bear hug). But she has done one better. She is wearing the most illuminous lime green trainers. The type of trainers only a really good runner should wear. I was thinking to myself that I better get off the treadmill before they get in just in case they show me up for the phony runner that I am.

What annoys me about this picture is not that they have parked in the disabled spaces (well yeah it is this act is unacceptable) but that they have parked in the two closest disabled spaces to the entrance which means anyone who genuinely needs that space cannot use it. They didn't have badges before you say it. The Sherlock Holmes in me checked this. So unless sever inability to dress appropriately for your size can get you disability now then they bottom out right there and then.

Now here comes the ironic park. McManus and French came into the gym and went straight onto the treadmill. So the duo couldn't walk the length of the car park but come to the gym to walk on a mechanical moving pavement. It just tickled me slightly. Here is the best bit. To my disappointment French was not, I repeat not an common wealth runner in her citrus colours shoes. In fact she was so bad at walking on a treadmill that every time she wanted to talk to her big pal Michelle she actually paused the treadmill. And on that bombshell..............

Kick Ass Chicks

Hollywood in my opinion has got it right. I'm a big movie buff. I love a good film. My favourite movies say a lot about who I am, who I want to be and where I want to go. I like Action films where there is explosions and fighting with swords and guns. I like strong characters and I'm not talking complex, I'm talking BUFF. Women to inspire and invoke. You know the kind I'm talking about. The tough chicks, The Angelina Jolie in Tombraider, an ambidextrous gun wielding female Indiana Jones. Mila Jovovich, Running down the sides of buildings or jumping motorcycles through plate-glass windows, all run-of-the-mill occurrences for miss Jovovich, even if we can't pronounce her name. Hilary Swank in Million Dollar Baby, Michele Rodriguez in all her bad ass films.
    These girls have bodies to die for. Hard and wirey. Muscles, what's not to love. Noooooo....... Not the overbearingly obvious "I've just ate a tub of Anabol" type muscles teamed with a strong jaw and adams apple. The feminine honed "I work out 5 times a week and care what goes into my body" type of look. It's not just the look that I like it's the hard super cool character. It's Uma Thurman on a rampaging killing spree with a Hattori Hanzo samurai sword?. Or is there anything more impressive than Devon Aoki in Sin City, a double-sworded teenage hooker who takes no guff from men, and if you cross her or her coworkers, well....... you're pretty much finished. The girls in Charlies Angels who can really throw a punch yet still be extremely sexy at the same time. Ok, ok , ok maybe this look isn't wholly achievable but to an extent it can be., maybe just a little bit. There is no need for a female to lose her femininity just because she is tough. She can still giggle, squeal and skip, she can wear pink fluffy slippers and silk pjs. Doors can be opened for her, seats pulled out. Just because she can push a weight doesn't mean she has to help you lift a washing machine up 2 flights of stairs, serious. As I've said before I'm no feminist. Chivalry should be encouraged.

   One of the best physiques I have ever seen has got to be Jessica Biel in Blade. She looks strong and toned yet still womanly, she has that nipped in waist , flat stomach and round high bum. Most people will disagree with me here and say she is wayyyyyy to muscley but I beg to differ. Every female has those muscles under the adipose on their arms, Jessica's arm circumference here is probably only about 8.5 inches when relaxed which is a lot less than most females and even mine at 10.5. This looks awesome with a tan and in a dress. Actually it pretty much looks awesome full stop.

The following quote I found in a forum from a "Know it All" explains how little people know about weight training. She was on a rant about another woman she saw in the gym. Here is what she said: "I made a promise to myself - do not work on my arms much. and my advice to all those girls who are ready for anything when it comes to getting a toned body is the same". Tell you what, I'd like to have a personal word with this idiot of a woman, give her a good feminine slap of reality. Not in any way possible can you get arms like Jessica Biel's or Madonnas for that matter if you have more that 16% body fat. Weight training is Not gonna do this. Diet may. As I have said before their arms are not big, there is merely a lack of fat. Let me leave you with one question and don't be afraid to give your opinion, in fact I invite it. Would you rather have bingo wings?

Genes! Pah!

It’s not in your genes. I promise you, this fitness malarkey is not something you are born with, you didn’t come out the womb with the sweat bands, flexing shouting “I‘ll show you the way to the beach maw“ , it’s an interest, a hobby, a task, job, struggle but it’s not natural. I don’t care who you are or if you train 3 times a day or run 100 miles a week. Fitness is something you picked up, acquired or were pushed into. Everyone always has a starting point.
   I was getting a tad nostalgic today reading through some old report cards from school. As I sat reminiscing on the floor in my grandparents spare room I noticed something I had forgotten. I was god awful at P:E. Some of the reports are vague with a kindly “Always tries hard” or “an able pupil”. Going on to the early years in high school the teachers were less constructive however “maximum effort required” and “struggling to pass practical aspects of the class” was the general consensus. Reading through these is an embarrassing task. But my teachers also comment on my social development? Oh…… yeah they do “One of the quieter members of the class” and of more note “perhaps a little shy to express her opinion”. On the plus side though one of my teachers said my overall school work was SATISFACTORY don’t ya just hate that word? It’s not exactly inspiring, I’d never say that to a client, But I digress….
      All this shows that indeed, we change, we develop. And for me people like me, getting beat in a race by the weird girl called Trisha with a head full of nits and a penchant for wooly jumpers at the school sports day, this is fantastic news. My family are NOT into fitness, or sports in any way but for me it was my gramps when he would put me on his shoulders as he was doing his press ups (I’d love to see him do that now) and because of that small act I formed an interest.

       Some of you may have had to kick start your fitness due to a random person in public calling out “hide yer chips” as you walked past or you noticing as you walked you were making footprints in the concrete. For others it’s work fitness tests, charity events or seeing their favourite actor on the front of Men’s Health. Whatever it is once we start you can’t deny the good feeling it gives you. A natural high (no I’m not talking about the rush you get when you eat a full box of krispie kremes) a high like no other, then you curse it the next day when you are so stiff you struggle to get you butt on the toilet seat. But whatever got you into it, trust me when I say stick it out, don’t phone it in. Oh and don’t let the weird girl with nits beat you in a race!

Bitchin blogger is back

Excuse me???

Wonderful news! The world of blogger has finally re opened it's arms and allowed me back on my pedestal from where I bitch and brag and slag. For some strange reason I was banished and my beloved blog had vanished but today it has been re born. Fantastic! So wait until tomorrow folkes and we can get right on down to some bitchin blogs! Love ya