Tracy Who? (Am I just jealous of her success?)

So maybe you’ve heard of Personal trainer Tracy Anderson. Apparently she is responsible for Madonna’s arms and for Gwyneth’s skinny bod She’s just opened up a studio with Gwyneth, for all of £600 per month you too can learn the secrets to ultra-thin wiryness. Oh, you don’t have £600 to spare? Cheap ass! Lol! Well, don’t worry because I have the skinny (get it?) on Ms Anderson’s method. I have watched her workout videos, signed up to the free* videos on her website so maybe you should grab a notepad or something. You ready? Starve yourself and work out twelve hours every week. (Please don't take this serious) Oh, there’s some more details too, of course. Make sure you turn the heat way up when you do her workout. Don’t worry about why, it’s "science". Also, never lift anything heavier than 1.5kg! Because everyone knows the worst way to build muscles is to lift heavy things. You’ll need some help carrying your messages, picking up your kids, using dictionaries, making spaghetti, doing laundry, washing the dog…. but that’s fine. You don’t want to bulk up, do you? Speaking of no bulk. I didn’t know spices made you fat? WOW! Science revolution going on here. I don’t think there’s a day where your intake would go over 1000 calories. But don’t worry because Dr. Tracy did a double-blind five year study of this method on her own, she assures us and I’m sure she would have no reason to just completely make some shit up. Yeah right. You better hope you can manage to eat all that food though because Tracy’s six two-hour workouts each week will be using every bit of energy you’ve taken in(literally.) Her signature method: a blend of dance, pilates and secret moves given to her by some Nigerian prince she met through the internet is the only way to get results. No other type of workout, if done for 12 hours a week, could result in weight loss. Not really. Now, some people might tell you that you can just lift heavy things, make small changes to your diet and not pay thousands of poundsto get results. *You’ll also have to pay an initiation fee, of course. I mean, you can’t expect to join a gym for less than £1000 a year, can you? For your information Because this entry keeps getting a lot of hits from people searching for things like “how to eat like tracy anderson” or “gwyneth paltrow’s diet” and lots of outgoing traffic to the article on Tracy Anderson’s diet plan, I felt like I needed to say something. This woman, Tracy Anderson, does not have any kind of special magic knowledge. I don’t care that she’s skinny or that Gwyneth and Madonna are also skinny. I don’t care that she was on Oprah or that she has a jaw the size of Scotlands east coast. I don’t care that there are people out there desperate, rich and/or stupid enough to pay £600 month to train at her gym. There is absolutely nothing new or revolutionary about what she is doing. If you eat much less food than you need (aka: starve yourself) and workout 12 hours per week, then you will lose weight. You could eat all of you daily calories from cakes and exercise only by doing a gentle walk for two hours, you would still lose weight. What has Tracy Anderson actually done? She has kept two women who have always been thin, thin. She spends hours each week working out with them personally. They both have people that can prepare fresh, possibly tasty food for them. Wow, give me two women who have never even been overweight, give me hours to train with them and give them each a chef and I too will keep them thin. If you want to fit into kids jeans then I can do it for you too! I don’t know why we are interested in this woman. Maybe, like me, you are fascinated and frustrated by how it always seems to be that the people in the fitness industry who know the least get the most attention. Maybe you’ve convinced yourself that beauty only happens between sizes 6 or 8. Maybe you’re not healthy or happy and you’re desperate to feel better. If you’re in the last two categories, do yourself a favor and don’t waste your time or especially your money on people like Ms Anderson, spend it on trainers like me ;-). Really, starving yourself and spending 2 hours a day, six days every week on exercise is not a revolution, it’s a disorder. There is good information out there on how to improve health regardless of weight. So go ahead and eat plenty of nourishing and delicious food, feel free to pick up things that are heavier than 1.5kg and don’t give people like Tracy Anderson any more undeserved attention or money. Rant Complete!

Crop Tops and Cattyness

Crop Tops! There here with a vengeance, apparently this summer anyone who is anyone will be wearing a crop top. But really, theres not gonna be many any anyones out there, is there? Even though my stomach is flat I certainly won't be wearing one (well we shall see). I mean, come on. . . even your skinniest of skinniest girls now have muffin tops. I cringe when I see females showing off the stomach area in a bid to show more flesh, I can't fathom how some girls thing they can do this and it would be attractive, maybe i'm all about high standards but i'm not that bad. so heres is some advice. If your want to show your stomach this is what to do. Slightly lower your carbohydrate intake, ditch the chocolate, the crisps, forget easter, your take-aways. Infact the only carbs you should have is All Bran in the morning with soya milk. Have a probiotic everyday, get a body brush and scrub that tum, buy a toning cream. Get a decent fake tan, do a 4 mile run a day with 500 real sit ups and POW! Stomach of your dreams. It's easy isn't it? NOT! So if you do decide to be a fashion victim then please get with the programme and be honest with yourself ask a pal for honest advice as just doing sit ups wont do diddly if your abs are hidden under 3 inches of adipose. Not only that, one of the clubs in Glasgow now has jacuzzis in it. With a shop where you can buy a bikini, so really us girls are not getting to hide much these days are we. What happened to "Leave it to the imagination" I admit it, i'm no prude but I certainly believe in the rules. . . . You know the ones i'm talking about. . . . . . . You don't? . . . . Oh well I better explain. A girl should choose one or the other to show off, her cleavage . . . . or her legs. So the rule goes, if your out wearing a belt for a skirt please wear a respectable top, Or vice versa. So Bla

Off the wagon

Everyone falls off the wagon at some point, and yes, I mean everyone, even me. So I have a blow out every blue moon (sue me)Let me tell you what to do if you find yourself in that situation, I will also explain what not to do. Once upon a time I fell off the wagon with a vengeance. I was actually that bad I woke up to answer the door in the morning to the UPS guy.(delivering health supplements ha ha ha)"Little Miss Fitness?", I force out a grunt and as I stand there I notice my pyjamas back to front. It also occurred to me that I had in fact kept up to date with my food diary by scribbling in a 3yr olds handwriting "Vodka x3, Tia Maria x3, Baileys x3, Wine, Champagne" on the drinks, dinner and snacks columns. There was also some illegible print which I later translated to Chicken, Melon and Cheesecake. So Ladies and Gentlemen, I will give you all this one bit of advice, even though you get in at 5am, totally and utterly trollied, you should still take the time to write in your food diary so you can reflect on your intake over a week. It really does help with the guilt and the shamefulness when you look at that writing and think, those words we have all said to ourselves a thousand times "I am never drinking again". I mean what will my clients think? . . . . . . Especially when I don't even like Tia Maria, Baileys or Melon. But hey! We learn something new every day. The biggest mistake though is when you book a Personal Training client for 8am at Strathclyde park, realising there is not a hope in hell you can drive there, so you run, and when you arrive (if you ever do) the alcohol in your blood stream has heated up to 37 degrees and soaked through your clothes, so now you smell distinctly of a brewery as you saunter green faced up to your client that you have told off a hundred times about the effects of binge drinking on the liver.......Good example Nats, Well done.

Repetitive Repititions

When I am training someone I have to count the reps they do, this can be quite hard sometimes 1,2,3,4, good work, 3,4,5 keep going 12,13,14 I get all mixed up, or else I float away into a fantasy land, conjuring up an imaginary story where I can have my own big cupboard in the house for all my equipment, instead of everywhere, honestly, you walk into our home and there is equipment all around you. Things I hardly use but I wont put them in the hut in case I need to use them immediately, like right this second. I love buying new equipment and have loads of nifty bits and bobs that I could use when I train people. My clients on a weekly basis usually hear the words "Andrew iss going to kill me" because I've went and bought another weird piece of equipment that I have no room for and we have to climb over just to get in the door!

I digress.... It's funny though, just smile and say 5 more reps to someone and they automatically believe you (even if they've already did 50) Sometimes I get the answer "Really, phew" and a simple YEP does the trick, it's brills! Cue evil laugh Mwwahhh ha ha ha I have the power! However, I do have a few clients who are really observant, that can be a tricky one. That's me at 20?!? What yeah two more then! How observant are you? Let me know.

Too tired to live

So are you tired? Don't you just love it when folk say that they're tired? I hate it. I hate when you ask people how they are and they tell you they are OK but tired, exhausted , too busy to sleep. I mean fair enough if you have a medical condition but seriously. . . . Take some time for yourself. Surely by now you know how to "work" your body? Surely you don't need instructions? Step one. Put food in this hole, Step two. Inhale, Step three. Go to sleep. Step four food comes out this. . . . You have to feed it, wash it, put it to sleep. Hunger thirst and of course tiredness is your bodies alarms telling you what to do. So if your tired. . . . Get some sleep, don't work so hard, feed your body correctly (not a takeaway). I know it's easier said than done. My Nana is constantly telling me to "slow down" to "relax" but I do. . . . When I sleep. Otherwise my exercise is my "me" time (I have been seen walking Mia and Juno with my Ipod in, singing at the top of my voice, oblivious to my mum tooting her horn at me or Linda peeing herself laughing whilst I jig along the street) and because I feed my body correctly and train it to be able to cope then I can and I will keep going. Guys. It's not OK to be tired all the time, no matter how hard your work is. Everyone has the odd tired spell. But all the time is a no no! If you work all the time, exercise, look after a baby a dog and your partner then why worry in the middle of the night that the windows are dirty, the grass needs cut or what your are making for the dinner. Sleep is paramount. Shut off all that electrical crap in your room, it's zapping your life and interrupting your sleep, don't read in bed or watch TV in bed, make sure your bedroom is completely void of light when the blinds are shut, The bedroom should only be used for 2 things Sleeping and er . . . . . . . . Resting. What did you think I was going to say? Tut Tut. So what if you turn down a night out, what exactly are you missing anyways? Feeling like a burst couch the next day, with a headache that could kill a donkey. The anxiety that fills you when you can't remember what you did (is that just me). It might sound boring but trust me. . . It wont be by morning.

Skipping Sensations

As you know I can go off on a bit of a rant from time to time, well today's post is a bit different, nothing has annoyed me, I'm not on my high horse (or pony as some of you funny buggers out there like to put it) I was in the gym this morning, running away on the treadmill with my Ipod plugged into it. I had the biggest smile on my face and was letting out a giggle every now and then. I have a reputation amongst the gym staff that I laugh at people, well it is totally unjustified because as it turns out, when they thought I was laughing at people I was actually laughing at you've been framed (honest). But today I was laughing at someone (yes I'm ashamed)I know it isn't fair but really I couldn't help it. Someone was on "my treadmill" (talk about this another time)so I had to take another one, one that doesn't quite have the same view I'm accustomed to. This particular treadmill has a view of the exercise studio and in that studio was a man in a grey t-shirt (great sweating colour)he had in his hands a skipping rope, but no, he wasn't skipping. Instead he was waving the ropes in a figure of eight in front of him, stern look on his face. I think he was psyching himself up because after a minute of doing ridiculously stupid patterns with the ropes he went for it, the skip, that first one, always the hardest, most challenging of all skips. Especially to this guy. He failed. . . fell forward a wee bit then started the flailing with the rope again. Another minute passed and as I watched again, there he goes, 1. . . 2 . . . 3. . . Ah Boll*cks. A small spurt of laughter erupts from my mouth. It's a free country OK! AGAIN with the stupid rope dance thing. This time after his minute of nothing he gets at least 5 skips and looks like a 5 year old girl with pigtails in a playground before stumbling aimlessly over the rope. 15 minutes he tried, and tried again, each time he failed he started his rope waving p*sh. When he did get anywhere near a skip the most he got was 8 jumps, ah mean come on! If he had spent 14 of those minutes actually trying to skip and not whipping a rope about the floor, maybe. . .Just maybe he could do 10 skips. Meanwhile I'm trying to catch my training partners eye as he is doing his weights, I have this freakishly happy grin on my face and keep making eyes at the studio for him to look. He is too busy in "the zone". It just tickled me, that's all.

Round bowls covered in lycra

I admit it, under my sensible personal trainer persona lurks a dirty secret. The deepest darkest secret ever, but your are privileged, I'm gonna tell you. Whenever I am in a supermarket and I see a magazine that says "How to get Gwyneth's arms" I grab it, I need to find out (it's the professional in me), I will read the story before even getting to the till, it's sad yes. But this information is stuff I have to find out! I know how to make arms look tight and toned yet somehow this way must be better. Some fantastic new concept that will change arms everywhere forever. It's amazing, these celebrities, their bodies, their time? How do they do it? Obviously your answer will be "Because they have a chef, a nutritionist, a trainer a dog trainer". But I have seen it, I've seen women who have it all yet still manage to not hold back the donuts when they are out of the watchful eye. So how do they do it? I do not know, they come from ratbag to ravishing in 5 minutes, easy peasy! Willpower of steel! This obsession is not cheap (but it certainly is cheerful), Fitness magazines are about £4 a pop and I buy Zest, I buy Health and Fitness, Women's Fitness, Ultra Fit, Fitness hers, I even buy the monthly Holland and Barrat magazine and when I can I go to borders and read their magazines, you're allowed to do that are you not? I do try to be sensible though. . . . sometimes I see "Get Britney's Abs" or "Get Colleens bum" and I think, yuk no thanks, come on magazine people your standards have dropped. Britney's stomach is nothing to be desired and neither is Coleen's bum for that matter. What I'm looking for is thighs honed like rockets, arms as taught as a squirrel's, abs so toned they could be used to model bat girls shield. I must find this exercise! That does all that and more, I must. I will not stop until my bum cheeks are like little rounded bowls covered in Lycra.

Magic Pills

Magic weight loss pills?!? Anyone?. . . No? Nah you wouldn't admit it. Who doesn't want to be fit and fabulous with no effort or dieting? Wake up in the morning and the bingo wings are gone, you have loads of energy, you can see your. . . . . . feet(get your mind out the gutter). But really we all know there are no such things out there that do that "quick fix" we are all after. And yes I am after it too, I enjoy exercise but I would much prefer to have a "perfect pill" an easy way out. So they don't work without either hard work (exercise supplements) or bad side affects (diet pills) as well as being extortionate.So. . . . Here is the low down. Exercise supplements such as thermobol (maximuscle) or Sida Cordofolia basically either raise your core body temp (so you burn more calories), increase your heart rate (so you burn more calories) make you feel sick (so you wont eat as much) and take the water from your body(so you look slimmer). Diet pills are the ones you can get prescribed or buy online, these pills are the ones that make you tongue numb (so you don't taste foods) or your bum leak. Yes I said it and I'm not joking, the pills break down the enzymes in food and it leaks out your butt like oil so on your pants at the end of each day is a nice coating of what I like to call ass oil. But overall there is no magic pill, if all the supplements and shakes out there that claim to work really did. Then everyone and their granny would be a skinny size 8 and still be eating a nutritious diet of ice cream, cakes, biscuits, chips pizza etc etc. Don't kid yourself! So I am going to give you all a bit of advice for FREE (people love that word, don't get used to it though, I don't say it often) which is the most basic principle in controlling your weight. Follow this closely as it can get confusing. 1lb of body fat is exactly 3500kcals so if you want to loose a 1lb a week then you need to make 500 calories a day disappear. So you can reduce food intake by 250kcals and do 250kcals of exercise. It really is that simple. Here is an example: My 1.1 mile run this morning burned 170kcals and a bar of chocolate or bag of crisps is about 150kcals. You do the math. So I shall leave you on a serious note for the first time but I promise. . . . . . . never again

Magda Infliction

I couldn't believe my eyes at the gym yesterday. Well I would have if they hadn't been nearly taken out by the braless bazookas bouncing buoyantly on the treadmill. This voluptuous beauty was oblivious to the spectacle she was making of herself, but I can assure you, most of the male populace of the gym was certainly aware, including myself (for research purposes only). This is one of my pet hates (yes I have a few) when it comes to the female of the species in the gym. Please please pretty please wear a bra, do I have to spell it out to you? W.E.A.R. A. B.R.A! Please. Please for the sake of mankind and your breasts two years down the line. I mean it when I say down, in the literal sense. The only thing that's getting a workout on this lady is her coopers tendon, the anti-sag tendon or coopers drooper as I like to call it. There is no repairing this tendon, no "I must, I must improve my bust". It can only ever be tightened with surgery, so unless you want a "Magda infliction" (see. There's something about Mary) just wear a blooming sports bra. Boys tell your other halves because I'm pretty certain you didn't watch something about Mary and scream "Look at those puppies" when Magda got her baps out. And they most definitley did not say "Iwish I had boobs like her".

Matrix Falling!

As I was quite happily singing away to my ipod on the treadmill, I notice a stylish elderly chap with the trademark sandals and sock combo giving the cross trainer a quizical stare. He make his approach stealthily, he precariously places a savvy sandaled foot on the moving plate. . . . Like a rabbit caught in headlights his eyes go wide as he realises the plate is sliding forward. Only a foot away two gym instructors stare at the TV screens (there's football on). I'm watching with a grimace on my face, my stomach in knots (you know that way you feel when you can see something bad but also equally entertaining happening) 1-2-3 Down he goes. One of those slow motion falls (don't look at me like that, I was over the other side of the gym, i'm not superhuman) you know the theatrical matrix style tumble but not quite so graceful. The gym staff a foot away, "Tut", I mean it, they actually "Tut" and quite loudly. Like this poor man has did them an injustice just by falling over in their gym. He wouldn't have fell if they gave a rats a*se. Typical gym instructors. This wee man could have broken his hip and personally sued them for all they were worth, they wouldn't have worked again in this industry, which is a crying shame because this world more than anything needs, craves, wants. . . s*itty gym staff that don't have a clue and couldn't care less. Arghhhhhh!

An ass kicking!

Routine, Routine, Routine the safety, the joy. The same ole boring thing day after day after day. Get up, get breakfast (if you eat breakfast, and you should you cheeky devils) go to work, come home, get dinner, watch TV, chill, sleep. You talk to the same people, you eat the same things, watch the same programmes, drive the same route. A cosy path. All the time thinking the same things. Why? Where is it taking you? Super stardom? A million pound yacht? A harem of voluptuous beauties, Early retirement so you can do as you please? I don't think so (sorry to burst your bubble). Then there are the folk who go to the gym, they train the same body parts, use the same machines, look in the same mirror and think "well I'm here, I'm doing it". Then they can look at themselves in a clingy outfit and sigh, and think. . . . . . Yeah! I workout, so I look good. Really Good! Ba ba baaaaaaaa, there is a sting in the tail of routine. Because doing the same old thing leads to dammed reversibility. Your body adapts to a point where it fools you into doing less than you think(trust me, I'm an expert on making people think I'm actually working). Have you ever wondered when you see that slightly weirdly mishapen aerobics instructor who does 45 classes a week and eats a salad leaf a day, why is she like not a super skinny super fit looking burd instead of having legs that giggle live your favourite jelly? If you think your still pushing yourself then be honest. . . Is this you? "Whenever your in a spin class, on a treadmill out running etc : there you are smiling, thinking god, I'm good, this is easy, I'm a blinking Olympic athlete, why didn't anyone ever tell me? I am 20x better than all they chumps, look at how they are sweating, out of breath nincompoops, HA" Meanwhile your thighs are plotting to each other "Ha ha, she doesn't even know we aren't working hard at all, don't tell her, let her find out the next time she tries to fit into those skinny jeans" Yeah and I'm not joking Bucko! So work hard, we need to. If we don't, we are wasting our time. Why do people not challenge themselves? Why? Because it's too hard, that's why. Let's all say it together in a whiny voice! "It's too hard". Now stop. . . I don't want to ever hear you say that again!

Ratbags!

By the way. . . I've been banned from a certain gym I used to work in and frequent, I'm gonna have a wee rant about it, voice my opinions, hope this "manager" reads this and learn what an anus he is because I'm not allowed to voice it in the gym ha ha. I spoke back to a member of the "management team" (if you can call them that) that is so far up his own ar*e he thinks he is moses. He thinks he can speak to his staff like they are "Below" him. It's funny that, alot of people who manage people in gyms are the same. Not upper management, LOWER management. They think the are the mutts nuts and invincible, oh I can bench . . . so I must be a god, I work on the doors of nightclubs at the weekends so I must be a hard man. Sorry mate, god can at least grow hair on his head (I heard that premature baldness can be caused from steroid usage, oops). Also whilst applying for a gym membership at another "Big" private gym I was phoned by the General Manager so he could apologise that I wasn't allowed a membership because I am "COMPETITION" in the personal training business. I just wanted to point out to him, yes I am the competition but they're not mine (unlike them I don't need any more PT clients) There will be staff from this gym probably reading this and it's nothing against them, actually that's the things I miss. I miss the staff (most of them anyway) and I miss the members. I don't however miss their ridiculous effort at health and safety, the way the staff are expendable, or the pay. I can make more money making a phone call than slaving for an hour in there. Anyways that's my rant over, need to leave for my pt. But stay tuned, I hope to rant for a wee while yet.

When I was a gym instructor I would see the same people come and go usually quite randomly, and every time I would see them I would approach them and say "and where have you been?" always the same answer "This is me getting back into it, it's all systems go, I have to do it this time, no excuses, seriously I'm talking the bull by the horns" Pluuueeeeeeeeaase! I have heard this honestly about a thousand times. They come back for about a day then disappear for a couple of weeks, months, years, then it's the exact same again. Only I have regretted saying these words "Where have you been, long time no see or hello stranger?" quite alot and every time I say them I pause and pray that the next answer was going to be a positive one. Most often than not its slightly positive but then sometime you get this for an answer "Oh my Husband/Wife left me/died" and then it's just really hard to recover from that question as you stutter your sorries and back track feeling like a mighty Pratt. Probably any gym instructors/personal trainers Reading this can relate. Another age old thing you hear getting uttered in gyms is "I will start on Monday" always women, "I will get the weekend over with, start on Monday" So basically if they eat 20,000 calories over the weekend and lie on their lazy ar*es it won't matter because they haven't started yet. No...... it definitely

Junk food

I would like to drift off subject here to talk about Fast Fooooood! Yes McDonalds, McDonalds, Kentucky Fried Chicken and a Pizza Hut come fav on most peoples lists. To be honest I will admit I have eaten out of all 3 at some point or other (No my body is not my temple, even though I would like it to be). Yesterday at a gathering of friends One of my favourite Aunties (she reads this blog) was telling me that whenever she goes to McDonalds she thinks how disappointed I would be of her. This seems to be the general consensus among my acquaintances, you know, the people I put the fear into if they eat fast food ( if you think being my friend is tough try being a client) I say "So how has your eating been this week?" *Looks quizzically expecting a good answer* Client : "Um well, actually I had a few friends round on Saturday and erm, wee had you know (No I don't know) . . . . . . . A few drinks and there was crisps (*Face changes to that of your mother when she first caught you underage drinking*) and then I was a bit rough on Sunday and had (Next bit said so quickly that I can just about make it out) afryup!". Tut Tut TUT! Hang your head in shame bla bla bla. Actually I enjoy a good feed, as anyone who knows me well enough to have eaten with me knows. I Love my food. But I still hate hate hate McDonalds (it started it all) and when I go to peoples houses and see those glass coca cola cups I turn my nose up and think (this greedy B* has been to McDonalds eh?) I was at another Aunts house last night and found myself drinking out of one of these cups in question. Hmmmm Mcdonalds eh? Wasn't till came back into my house and I realised I have my very own McDonalds Glass fan (Alan) I must hang my head in shame. Really I should ban him from crossing to the dark side.

Newbies beware!

Gym Newbies! You can spot them a mile off, oh mother of god the trainers, blinding white, and so chunky that it looks like they are wearing the person rather than the other way around. They wander about looking like lost puppies, randomly sitting on a peice of equipment and they try to read the instructions without it looking obvious so it ends up they look like a cross between the elephant man and a pitbull, they go on the treadmill and actually clip themselves on whilst holding on with a grip so tight thier knuckles are white and they are so close to the front thier feet hit the base, 'Bang, Bang, Bang, Bang' or the leg press for instance they weights hit against each other on thier way back down 'Clang, Clang Clang' These are only a few noises of a newbie. . . . . . But no really I have a soft spot for gym newbies, I like to take them under my wing, i'm like a mini teradactle. Once I said to a newbie, have you tried the swiss ball, honestly just saying that had the same effect as kryptonite on superman, they virtually wasted away in front of me. So I took them over to it, sat them on it, asked them to relax "You're ok now, I've got you, i've got you, relax, let it go, relax, you're safe now" - I'm like the hero at the end of a movie, when he comforts the girl after she has been on the run from rogue FBI agents, and she's finally exposed them without getting caught. Eventually they relax, and most of the times you have a client for life, they are very loyal. Just yesterday at the gym, whilst doing my biceps I pressed pause on my ipod to listen to a "know it all" talk to a newbie (yes I know its fly, they thought I couldn't hear them) this particular newbie had a book at the gym with him, the men's health book with detailed explanations of exercises with diagrams. He looked gormless. The "know it all" was just taking an opportunity to show off so told the guy to try press ups with a weight on his back. the poor boy couldn't even do a press up at all. I mean really, there is looking like a newbie or looking like an idiot. Don't take a book to the gym, its a bloody invitation for all of lifes know it alls to give you advice. I watched, that's what happened, one left and another one took his place. Poor boys head was like mush, or more mushy than before.

The usual Suspects

One of the most hilarious social groups at the gym is the posers, yes you have all witnessed it, perved on it, been intimidated by it or even dabbled in poserdom from time to time. I know I have. Gym posers are the ones who don't do much of a workout at all, the type who when you come onto the treadmill next to them they will glance at the speed your doing and put theirs up faster only to be puffing and panting a few seconds later and pressing the minus button with a sheepish look on thier face, they will go purple and pop an artery before picking up lighter weights than you. Exhibit A; Lovely looking girl, naturally slim, showing off her stomach and a wearing the skimpiest short shorts (there are rules ladies either show your legs or your stomach, never ever both) bicep curling at most the weight of about 3 feathers whilst she is looking in the mirror to see who is watching then she will proceed to do the most Kamasutraesque stretches in full view of the free weights area. Exhibit B; The guy in his 30's with the Nike pro compression top and freakishly skinny legs in the excruciatingly short and baggy (not a good combination to support the male "parts") running shorts, he might be slim but should really not go near these compression tops, for the super fit only (man boobs beware). He will prance about looking to do a bit, watch his arms in the mirror as he pushes a weight here and there, then follow exhibit A into the jacuzzi. Finally Exhibit C, The bodybuilder/poser it's not a good combination. Wearing a really loose baggy vest top (probably one of the 80's style boy crop tops) and multi coloured baggy trousers (you know the sort). Will usually find him at the mirrors practicing his posing, oh triceps, hmmm chest. errmmm calf, no not calf I don't do legs remember, oh theres a big yellow spot on my shoulder, I'm going to squeeze that (I kid you not, this actually happened). I approach him "excuse me, could you please wipe that off the mirror there" Yuk Yuk Yuk. Do these people have no mirrors in their own home to squeeze their yellow spot puss onto. Exhibit C also follows exhibit A into the jacuzzi and they all live happily ever after.

Body builders and straight talking

Body builders ha ha, I know a few and I bet you do too, probably are one. I actually like bodybuilder cliques, they work hard (most of the time) train regularly, eat well and are quite considerate of other gym members, even if they don't put their weights back correctly (you never do, just admit it). Bodybuilders can be split into 4 types; Competitive, Non-competitive Wannabuilders and Triangabuilders. Your competitive bodybuilders usually know their stuff otherwise they wouldn't have the physique or the trophies to show for it, they tend to be quite reserved in the gym, keep their head down and get on with training, they are very helpful and have alot of good advice, you also have the guys who don't compete but could, your non-competitives, natural physique, strong proportionate looking guys. Maybe they lack in the confidence or big headedness department for competing but are otherwise super trainers. SAS, sunbeds and steroids can pretty sum up the triangabuilders, skinheads, earring and a glazed look on thier face. These guys don't have a clue and probably were taught how to "train" by another dimwitted triangabuilder with nothing between his ears. They get the name triangubuilder from the Latin "Triangulum" meaning 3 sided due to the fact they Don't train their lower half. The only exercises these guys know is Bench Press and Bicep curl. They know a lot of people in the gym, are overly confident and usually cut about with a maxi muscle or golds gym vest and baggy patterned cotton trousers. Wannabuilders, well, everyone starts somewhere, but these wee sticks of boys never think to ask for help and immediately stick 100k on a bar and try to bench it. Haaaaaaa No chance! I've seen guys with the bar across their chest screaming in pain and blue in the face. I've saw them put 50k on one side and let it go only for it to somersault across the gym and hit an unsuspecting victim on the chin. Until the day comes when they strike up a conversation with a triangubuilder. . . . A couple of weeks later they look bloated with bad back acne (you know what I mean) Any wannabuilders listening, Get real help now!!!

Males and Madonna arms

Gym cliques, one of the worst types of people in the gyms are your "Know it alls", seriously they are horrendous. They are a bunch of type A control freaks who hide their boring lives behind argumentative bulls*it. Once whilst doing my usual weight training I heard "You'll end up looking like that Madonna one" looking up I came face to face with a well known "know it all" I gave him a blank look, ignored him and continued with my workout, yes OK for a girl I lift heavy weights, it's not going to make me look like Madonna but what if that was what I wanted anyway? Again he started "girls shouldn't do weights" ohhhhhhh that was it, this guy was going to get 2 18kg dumbbells wedged in his face! male chauvinistic pig, I mean I am in no way, a feminist (bla de bla women's rights) yes I have a very non-female job, yes I workout and can deal with things an average human male would find tough going but as most of the guys who know me will tell you, I enjoy chivalry,love pink, pretend to be a girly as I can, I knew he was just jealous because he couldn't bench anywhere near what I was doing. Oh and no-one tells me what I can't do! "Really, I'm sure if you thought to look into weight training and the female body you will find that in fact I shall put on lean muscle which in turn will help me lose body fat" was my pathetic reply . Surely if he knew all about weight training he would have been able to prevent the moobs and the beer belly, tiny chicken legs and arms like spaghetti. And from the looks of him he certainly didn't know the first think about females or their bodies unless you count page 3 or a 1995 copy of Jazz. I was going to tell him but I'm a big wimp so I didn't say it to him but I was thinking it, that's a start, so there! Oh and PS Blog readers: I LOVE MADONNA'S ARMS

Gym Politics

Gym politics, if you have never been a part of it then don't plan to be. One word NIGHTMARE. There's a hierarchy of members at gyms. Your 60's+ members who use the gym between 8 and 11. Then they go for a cup of tea/coffee and rush home for murder she wrote. Also falling into this category are the close to 60's+ don't ever mistake them for 60+ though (they don't like that, take it from me). 60's+ members tend not to rock the boat, but if their boat is rocked. . . . well they are a source to be reckoned with. Then have your "Yummy Mummies" these are housewives or part time workers with extra cash to spare, same gym hours as 60's+. Usually hire a trainer or go to classes, have on sparkly gym gear and a full face of make up, don't sweat and hair is never out of place - in fact these women look as though they have just walked off the set of the musical hairspray. They teeter about the gym in a gaggle giving evil glares to any lone woman who has the audacity to actually exercise alone because they would never have the strength socially to do so. These women are the awful clientele that new female members fear, the ones that they think are looking at their bodies and judging, they usually are. but their social haunt is in private clubs but more recently with the refurbishment of some fancy new council gyms they migrating. Keep an eye out for them the next time your training, your sure to see a few together usually in a triangle shape towards their destination with the leader at the front, spot the leader . . . the one with the biggest.......... hair

Gyms = Fake People

Gyms. . . . full of fake people, especially staff, in particular I know of a certain ditzy female who is possibly the most fake of all. Walk in the door and you can hear her talking of her royally fake self before you see her, then you hear an almighty "Hi!!!!! How are you?" But she takes no time to wait on an answer, instead she says "What did you do at the weekend?" Again doesn't wait on a reply, she pips in "I went out with my friends, party party and got so plastered but it was great and we all spewed in a bin, but you know I had. . . . . . " Bla de bla bla, I would rather drop a slab on my big toe than listen to this crap, I can spot a "faker" a mile off. Fake people do whatever they can to make themselves look good, they will take credit for others work or humiliate people by gossiping so to illuminate thier status, wear far too much make up, drops friends when they are no longer of use (yes I have been victim of fake friend syndrome) sometimes they are truelly interesting people but are so full of insecurities they make this whole fake persona so to be the center of attention. It's a science and this particular lady has it all figured out. This particular girl has a facebook page, i've not added her as a friend and don't plan on it, but it gets you thinking. Tune in tomorrow for the next installment, gym polictics.

Good Effort!

There was once a long time ago a really big, beautiful girl in my advanced stretch class. She was working her body hard and giving it her all. I told her "I think you did really well today, I was impressed". She was beaming and said it was a mighty challenge for her. I mean would you go to a stretch class in a leotard if you weighed a ton? She earned my respect, as does anyone who drags thier carcass to the gym or does any sort of exercise, Good Effort! For all my bitching really, the bottom line is - Old, Fat, Stinky, Puny, Ugly or Dumb - If you get yourself there at all, your doing better than the other chumps who can't be arsed. But that's just the beginning. Just this morning there was a girl in a wheelchair doing a good amount of weights and they arm cycle machine things. Fantastic shape to her arms and she looked mighty fit. She probably would give me a run for my money on a chest press (I think i could take her though). What i'm trying to say is that she is doing it, exercising hard, not sitting on her backside. She is getting herself up out her bed, training gear on, getting to the gym (and I don't know how transport wise) getting in a lift to the gym floor then actually doing a workout. She has so much more to do than anyone else. So much more effort but still she does it. I am so inspired by this girl. Lazy gits that can't be bothered with the hassle or have complained about a sore leg ect ect. Be ashamed!

Body fascist Warning. You may be offended by the following blog

Body fascist that I am. I admit it, I don't think there is many reasons for people do nothing in the form of exercise unless of course they have a medical condition. Hire a trainer! Go a walk! go to a class! At least do something instead of complaining about your unhealthy, unfit, flabby backside. What annoys me even more are those who revel in their constant state of unhealthiness and make people like myself, my clients and other healthy people feel like they are weird or mental because they work hard at the gym or deny themselves a chocolate bar at lunchtime. Interestingly though because as I get on a bit (lol 25 this year) I can already feel my body shaping itself into something I do not like. I also love to see heavier people at the gym or out walking because unlike some they are doing something. Good effort! So good effort to anyone who is unhappy with their body and doing something about it and even better effort to those who don't give a sh*t (I wish I didn't, life would be so easy). Honestly the thing that annoys me the most is the people who are a good bit overweight and blatantly eat crap. A friend and I were talking yesterday and she was telling me about a girl in her office who is about a size 26, constantly moans about being "fat" and brings loads of healthy stuff to work like pasta and fruit, then in the afternoon tucks into four packets of crisp and man sized galaxy bar!?! Get a grip of your will power for goodness sake!

Body facists

In gyms there is always someone repeatedly injuring themselves, whether it's their lower back, knee or tendons. Everyone goes too fast with weights. Everyone over-lifts. I am now used to walking past old guys pushing huge barbells with postures that compress their vertebrae in the lower back. No point in saying anything to them, the answer will be "I was training before you were born" plus they already wear a weight lifting belt (haha) whatever dude, I will send you flowers in hospital. I myself came to some such demise only 3 years ago. Doing all the exercise I do, my employer asked if I would like to get a team together for "It's a knockout" (The crazy inflatable obstacle course) Keen as mustard I got a great team together, matching uniform, red hair dye, names on T-shirts and a good amount raised for charity."Make an entrance, best entrance gets most points", the organisers said. There I am, in my head, whoop whoop it's in the bag *Splits*. What I forgot was that I hadn't done the splits since I was 16, snap goes my hamstring, Hospital, time off work, my Mum pushing me around the course of a 5k race in a wheelchair whilst I'm screaming faster you sloth, faster faster, whilst I grip on for dear life. Never again. . . . .

Gyms. . . . Good Lord

So yesterday was my first post and since I've just started and the fact I'm off work this week I shall post everyday to get some excitement drummed up. Overstatement may I add but here goes anyways. The gym. . . . . a place of self improvement, utter danger and despair, little ladies, hunched shoulders, wobbling along on the cross trainer. Big ole jocks, rowing like weasels. People with knee bandages looking ropey as they slay themselves on the treadmills. The sexy girls who just go to the gym to show off their shape (yawn). The chatty guy who ruins your workout because you don't want to be rude and tell him to bugger off. There's always one guy who has too many tattoos and every gym has at least one nut job who comes in a does a kind of exercise that I swear has no use whatsoever, with the exception that it's not "sitting down". Go ahead, kick the air repeatedly kick kick kick kick kick! Swing that leg pointlessly into the air! I'm sure it will do something for you, and if not. . . . . . At least the air will be scared of your foot.

Whooaaa, my first post

How do I begin, first of all, welcome to my blog and if you like it please subscribe to read the rest and tell people about it. Also please feel free to tell stories have debates or just a giggle here and there in the comments box. Before I was a personal trainer, fitness was something I learned from school, television and my papa. The faster I ran the better and every exercise routine consisted of 3 sets 10 reps then stretching. Super sets? Pyramids? Intervals? Endurance? Waste 'o' time. Better to go hell for leather on the treadmill for 20 minutes and leave the gym sweating like a horse than do dainty little crunches or a aerobics class. Sure I was fit, but was that the point? Then I became a Personal Trainer (aka a know it all) In my first gym job I would walk right up to guys with arms bigger than my thigh and say "hey your not doing those bicep curls right" I was lucky some of these "muscle men" didn't throw me over the preacher bench in anger. I slowly began to learn to shut up with certain people and let them get on with it. Usually baffling them with the names of ligaments and tendons did the trick though if they thought I was just some skinny wee girl. I'd show em . . . . . . .